Main eCourses forum

[Tabitha Jonson]

This thread is a place to share those small ‘wins’ in our journey. It may be a strategy you tried or as simple as you reacted differently.

[Tabitha Jonson]

Hi all,
I wanted to share a cleaning up game we have been playing that the kids just LOVE! We have a big backyard and bikes and trolley and stuff ends up strewn around by the end of the day.

I said, ‘Right I have a mission for you. Sophia, can you find a red bucket? Where could it be?’ in a big excited voice.

She runs off and brings it over to me. ‘Whoohooo…would you like a cuddle or a high 5 to celebrate?’

I kind of alternate with whichever kids are handy (it’s purely optional and there’s plenty of big cuddles for whoever wants them). At the end they’ve been saying ‘What’s my next mission?’ and I have to be really sad that I’m out of missions.

We also do something similar in the living area where I ask for delivery people or posties to deliver things to the bedrooms. I’ll say ‘Delivery for number 3 higgle piggle road’ (and whisper who’s room it is.)

I love how these games encourage connection and teamwork and I get so focused on the game I actually enjoy tidy up too! 😉

[Genevieve Simperingham]

Love it Tab, thanks for sharing these ideas!

[Ruth Rothman]

Thanks for the tidying tips Tab! I’ve found saying ‘i’ll pick up the red… often results in much more assistance than asking them to tidy up, it must be partly that it avoids putting them in a position of having to say yes or no…

My small win is finally finding a time to role play an issue… After having a bit of trouble with Troy (4years) not wanting to go to sleep or to bed in the evening… i suggested we play me being the kid and troy putting me to bed – he was really into it, and put me to bed. His response to any protest was ‘go to sleep’ and he told me to straighten out my legs, to lie down, and turned out the light and shut the door, at each turn I protested. He was cross and serious the whole time. At one point he suggested that i run away when he went out (as he sometimes does!) so we did this a few times with him catching me and returning me to bed. It made me understand how he must feel when I am tired and short with him and impatient about his not wanting to sleep and instead wanting to play after reading a trillion books; so tonight I was much more able to speak more gently and kindly, and be more patient with his wanting not to lie down. I lay with him (as I often do) and he fell asleep much more quickly than usual. [I am trying to move away from falling asleep with him as it plays havoc with my sleep routine].

Also today he said I love you so much mummy, except when I hate you. (he says this last bit quite occassionally, which i don’t take personally) Out of curiousity I asked when that was. Usually he says when I don’t let him do what he wants. Today he said when I was angry with him. I agreed with him that it was not very nice for me to be angry with him, and that I didn’t like being angry with him either. I thought it great that he could articulate this. (Not so great that i let him be on the other end of my anger, but am trying to be compassionate with myself about this whilst getting better at centering).

[Ruth Rothman]

Wanted to share another win (i think): For the last few days Troy has been a bit out of sorts, being defiant and just resisting transitions like refusting to put shoes on or get dressed or hitting me in the face when i try to help him, or being a bit ‘cheeky’, doing things he knows the rules about. I’ve known that something has been up but not what nor how to let it out. Tonight he had a late night, and we got to the end of stories and he wanted to eat a block of choc he had saved and I said he would have to puit it away til morning. He said no and I gently held the limit and asked him to give it to me. He wouldn’t so I gently took it and put it out of reach and said he could have it in the morning and then sat by him as he roared and yelled at me and tried to hit me. I just empathised and said how much he must be frustrated, that he must really want the choc and he eventually said he hated me and raged and flailed his arms and legs and roared some more and the whole time I managed to stay gentle and calm and just said I love you no matter how angry you feel, no matter how much you want to hurt me, I love you etc etc I won’t let you hurt me. He kept trying to climb out of bed and I just put him back gently and said it is time for sleeping now. Some of the time I held him in my lap and eventually his flailing became softer, less angry, as if his need to rage was trickling out, then he slid of the bed and I held him and he sat calmly then he turned and hugged me and I asked if he wanted me to hold him in bed and he nodded so we climbed into bed and I held him, and he hung his arm around my neck, until he fell asleep. (all this time Ethan was in the bed next to me and he just read quietly to himself. My in-laws were in the other part of the house and helped by putting Eve to sleep as she was also up late.). So I am interested to know how he will be in the morning. I was so relieved that we finally had a chance for him to get it all out. I was proud of myself for staying calm and gentle, it didn’t feel personal, I knew that he was frustrated that I wouldn’t let him have the chocolate, but I also knew he needed to get some big feelings out (for whatever reason). [afterwards I spoke briefly to my mother in law about how pleased I was that he was able to get those feelings out (and explained that I knew something was up with his throwing his cutlery earlier etc which I knew they had been frowning about). She said that screaming and crying gave kids head aches and sore throats and made them feel ill…i am so glad i was able to ignore what they might be thinking of what was going on.]

[Wendy Andrews]

I would definitely count that as a win Ruth!! Good for you. Would love to hear the follow up, how he is after he wakes. Sometimes we see spurts in motor skills, language etc after releases like this.

[Ruth Rothman]

Thanks Wendy. I tried not to expect too much for the following morning (this morning) as he had such a late night, and then he woke early. So he was still out of sorts in the morning…but later in the day while we were out for a walk/bike he told he had thought his dad would be here (we are visiting my in-laws/his grandparents and his dad is overseas for 6 months). So that was heartwrenching for me and i think explains so much about his general misdemeanor. Also the house has a lot of rules (some i think are reasonable, some not so much for kids) which we are all continually trying navigate. To balance this we have been having a lot of play time (as we are visiting i am not cooking/cleaning/admin so much -yay!) and also three adults beats one for being able to have quality time.

[Wendy Andrews]

Sounds like some real positives there Ruth. Do you do Special Time/One on One Time with him? Might be an opportunity for a good dose of that to fill both their cups.

[Ruth Rothman]

So today had lots of meltdowns from Troy. Eg he was stting in the back of van and wanted to swap with ethan. Screaming and screaming. We couldn’t change as we were driving, he had chosen initially to sit in the back, and also ethan didn’t want to change. We stopped for something else and then an opportunity came for him to swap. He did. Then screamed and screamed about not being in the back. Ethan suggested it was that he wanted to sit next to both me and Ethan at the same time and Troy nodded (but seat configuration was not possible). Once I understood this I started to say wouldn’t that be cool if we could all sit together and we started inventing new vehicles that would allow it (like a car as wide as a bus is long)… he cheered up with this.
But any time he didn’t get what he wanted immediately he would start screaming. So basically just overwhelmed. Possibly because we were due to head home tomorrow, or because his dad still not around (I suspect it is the case that he is so stretched already by his dad being away that us going on holiday to his grandparents was just a little bit too much to handle). another eg – We went for a bike ride in afternoon which he wanted to but wouldn’t let me put his helmet on and sat down and refused to move – until i explained that we couldn’t ride until he had it on…then he said he was worried because he didn’t know what it would feel like (even though he wore it day before); then part way into the ride his hands were freezing so he didn’t want to ride anymore and just cried and cried and refused to let me warm up his hands or put anything on them. Ended up just carrying him and his bike back to the car. Once in the car he cheered up again.

I guess I’ve been feeling really pressured being at the in-laws because of worrying about being judged by his behaviour, btu have been trying really hard to just ‘be in a bubble’ as Tabitha puts it and figure out what he needs – but I’ve been really stretched trying to meet those needs. On reflection perhaps we could have had more one on one time, that was my aim whilst here, but it hasn’t happened like that. He has had some good one on one time with his grandad and grandma though. I also think because my in-laws have been making a huge effort to think of tthings to do with the kids (in the past they’ve been non-participative grandparents) that I have felt obliged to do things with them and together (they find it hard to have the kids alone as they are so active and energetic and not always staying with them…) so we’ve had less one on one time than I thought we would. I’ve had time to run, but other than that no time for myself and not feeling like i can ask for any more than that too. So, back to Troy – I will have to just try to do some ‘triage’ and make time for just me and him somehow, as well as for myself. Doesn’t help that i am not working any of the school holidays which is my usual ‘break’/’me time’!

[Ruth Rothman]

(sorry, so to answer your question Wendy I do aim to do special time with Troy and Ethan, and prior to coming away had some really good quality time, although frustratingly (because it takes me so much organising to get it) one that i planned he didn’t want and chose to play on his own. I will try some more ‘you’ve got me for 5 minutes or 10 minutes’ and see if that helps as in the past it has been great.

[Author]

Posts